


INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE

by PortalCryptid



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Asexual Character, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Queerplatonic Relationships, also I really like rarepairs, chatfic, dammit overwatch stop having so many characters, rarepair hell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-01-19 07:53:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12406221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PortalCryptid/pseuds/PortalCryptid
Summary: When Hana found the old Overwatch groupchats, she decided that the new Overwatch needed one too. Athena is very helpful.





	1. what

_2:42 am_

**[Hana Song] changed their name to [D.Va.]**

**[D.Va] renamed the chat [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**[D.Va] added [Jesse McCree], [Lúcio Correia dos Santos], and eleven others.**

**D.Va:** HI GUYS

**[Winston] entered [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**Winston:** Hana.

 **Winston:** Why did you do this?

 **DV.a:** I was talking to Athena and she told me about the old groupchats Overwatch used to have!

 **D.Va:** she showed me a bunch of hilarious stuff, so I had her help me with a new one!

 **D.Va:** she’s cool!

**I’m glad to be of service, Miss Song.**

**D.Va:** (☞ ͡͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

 **Winston:** Stop.

**[Lena Oxton] entered [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**Lena:** aaaaaa i remember our old groupchats! they were so fun!

 **Lena:** wait, one sec!

**[Lena Oxton] changed their name to [Tracer.]**

**Genji:**

**Genji:** and here I thought I escaped this fuckery

**[Fareeha Amari] entered [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**[Fareeha Amari] changed their name to [Pharah.]**

**Pharah:** I don’t know if I should love this or be concerned.

**[Jesse McCree] entered [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**[Jesse McCree] changed their name to [McCree.]**

**McCree:** what, from the bottom of my heart, the fuck.

 **Tracer:** aw cmon, guys! itll be fun!

 **Genji:** oh no, I’m going to enjoy every moment of shitposting I do on here

 **Genji:** it’s one of those things where you love it, but it makes you question your life decisions.

 **D.Va:** mood

 **Zenyatta:** I am glad to see that Overwatch has a place where we can all bond regardless of our locations.

 **Tracer:** remind me again why it doesnt show omnics and genji entering even though theyre already here?

 **Genji:** we automatically connect to chats once we’re invited

 **Tracer:** cool!

 **Genji:** ikr

* * *

_5:03 pm_

 

**[Soldier:76] entered [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**Soldier:** What the hell is this

 **Soldier:** Why is this

 **Genji:** it’s for for our devil worshipping cult

 **McCree:** we’re planning world domination

 **Tracer:** were trying to figure out how to give birth to the antichrist

**[Reinhardt Wilhelm] entered [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**Reinhardt:** WE ARE DISCUSSING THE CONSPIRACY BEHIND BIGGIE AND TUPAC

 **Pharah:** The chemicals in the water’s turning the damn frogs gay.

 **Zenyatta:** We are planning on stealing yo girl.

**[Soldier:76] disconnected from [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**Zenyatta:** Did I say that right?

 **Genji:** oh hell yeah you did

 **Tracer:** i think winstons dying

**[Angela Zeigler] entered [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**[Angela Zeigler] changed their name to [Mercy.]**

**Mercy:** What’s going on here?

 **Pharah:** Scroll up.

**Mercy:**

**Mercy:** When will we be doing the devil worshipping?

 **Genji:** at 6 tonight

 **Genji:** bring chicken nuggets

 **Mercy:** Will do.

 **McCree:** can you eat?

 **Genji:** if I try hard enough

 **McCree:** ok then

 **DV.a:** I love it here

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! I hope you enjoyed this!


	2. no pants party

_2:58 am_

**[Lúcio Correia dos Santos] entered [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**Lúcio:** sorry i came way later than planned!

 **D.Va:** no worries man, I can come show you around.

 **Lúcio:** cool! and thanks for inviting me in here when i wasn’t even at the base yet!

 **D.Va:** no prob dude, I’m omw!

 **Lúcio:** nice!

**[Tracer] reentered [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**Tracer:** hI WELCOME TO CHILIS!

 **D.Va:** ALKFNOEWNEKE FCUK

**[McCree] reentered [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**McCree:** this is the first time a new recruit sets foot on base

 **McCree:** and this is what you choose to do

 **Tracer:** ye

 **McCree:** why am i not surprised

 **McCree:** aNYWAY, hana did you seriously stay up until 3 am waiting for him?

 **D.Va:** I would’ve done it anyway, but dude

 **D.Va:** have you not seen him? he’s cool!

 **Lúcio:** i’m

 **Lúcio:** honored????

 **D.Va:** ( ˘ ³˘)❤

 **Lúcio:** !!!

 **Lúcio:** ( ˘ ³˘)❤

 **McCree:** straight

 **D.Va:** binch I’m an asexual hoe

**[Hanzo Shimada] entered [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**Hanzo:** That sentence sounds contradictive.

 **Hanzo:** But nevermind that.

 **Hanzo:** Can you all _go to sleep already?_

 **McCree:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **D.Va:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Tracer:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Lúcio:** aaa actually, i do wanna go to bed

 **D.Va:** we can have a sleepover in my room, I should be there in a minute

 **Lúcio:** cool! oh, i think i see you!

**[D.Va] went idle.**

**[Lúcio Correia dos Santos] went idle.**

**McCree:** what happened?

 **Genji:** Hana tackled Lúcio and now they’re on the ground

 **Genji:** oh, he’s okay!

 **Hanzo:** Genji how do you know that?

 **Genji:** I’ve been in the rafters all day

 **Hanzo:** Why do you do these things?

 **Genji:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**[Hanzo Shimada] disconnected from [INSERT AMERICAN MEME HERE.]**

**McCree:** honestly, i thought he would’ve left way earlier

 **Genji:** honestly same.

 **McCree:** hey, you wanna come watch shitty movies with me?

 **Genji:** yeah, just lemme get down from here

 **McCree:** how did you even get up there?

 **Genji:** cyborg ninja

 **McCree:** fair enough

 **Genji:** alright I’m on my way over, are you wearing pants?

 **McCree:** nah

 **Genji:** ok

 **Tracer:** oooo no pants party, can i come?

 **McCree:** yeah

 **Genji:** for me it’s a no pants party all day, every day

 **Tracer:** lucky

 **Tracer:** im omw, be there in a sec!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoever is reading my bnha chatfic as well as this one, I'm spoiling yall.  
> anyway, Tracer, Winston, Genji, and McCree are a squad. Winston would be there too, but he actually sleeps at decent times lmao


	3. HALLOWEEN

_9:12 am_

**[D.Va] renamed the chat [HALLOWEEN GET HYPED.]**

**DV.a:** IT’S HALLOWEEN, WHO WANTS TO SET A PARTY UP WITH ME?

 **Winston:** Calm down, I can help.

 **Genji:** oooooo shit, where?

 **D.Va:** ROOM 96

 **D.Va:** @everyone WHOEVER’S NOT HELPING BETTER BE THERE AT 5

**[McCree] reentered [HALLOWEEN GET HYPED.]**

**McCree:** hana i still don’t get how you can wake up so early when you go to bed when the sun comes up

 **D.Va:** hype

 **D.Va:** NOW EITHER HELP US GET READY OR GET YOURSELF READY, CUCK

**[D.Va] disconnected from [HALLOWEEN GET HYPE.]**

**McCree:** ok then

* * *

 

_4:54 pm_

**McCree:** the party's gonna start soon, where’s hana?

 **Lúcio:** i’m helping her get her costume ready!

 **Lúcio:** seriously y’all are gonna love this

 **Genji:** knowing her, it’s gonna be good

 **Hanzo:** Brother.

 **Genji:** yea?

 **Hanzo:** What are you wearing?

**Genji:**

**Genji:** my costume

 **Hanzo:** … You decided to dress up as… Sailor Moon?

 **Genji:** let me live!!!

 **Genji:** plus, Angie and I match!

 **McCree:** attached image: relationshipgoals.jpeg

 **Tracer:** aaa, she makes such a cool Tuxedo Mask!!

 **Genji:** I know

 **Genji:** my gf is beautiful

 **Mercy:** Thank you :)

 **McCree:** lena, who’re you supposed to be?

 **Tracer:** im rizzo, from grease!!

 **Tracer:** emilys supposed to be sandy!

 **Tracer:** i might be able to find a picture, gimme a sec!

 **Winston:** That won’t be necessary.

 **Tracer:** wot

 **Winston:** Turn around.

**[Tracer] went idle.**

**McCree:** oh my god i’ve never seen her zoom that fast

 **Lúcio:** oh, is that emily? she’s so pretty!!!

 **Winston:** She wanted to come and surprise Lena.

 **Genji:** what the fuck that’s so cute

 **Genji:** I’m dying

 **Genji:** again

 **Hanzo:** Don’t.

 **D.Va:** **HERE COMES DAT BOI**

 **Pharah:** **_OH SHIT WHADDUP_ **

**76:** What the fuck is Hana doing on a unicycle

 **Lúcio:** she’s Dat Boi!

 **76:** Fucking christ…

**Winston:**

**Winston:** What was that crash

 **D.Va:** NOTHING

 **Mercy:** That didn’t sound like nothing, Hana

 **D.Va:** _NOTHING_

 **Lúcio:** oh, here comes dat torbjorn

 **Pharah:** *Dadbjörn

 **Lűcio:** o shit yeah

 **76:** I thought you elected me as the father?

 **Reinhardt:** YOU DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN, SOLDIER

 **Reinhardt:** TORBJÖRN IS A SEASONED VETERAN IN THE ART OF “I AM NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED”

 **76:** Fair enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI HAPPY HALLOWEEN  
>   
> EDIT: I have a discord set up for this fic, and my BNHA chatfic! Here's the link: https://discord.gg/vRNyyHR


	4. nya

_ 9:32 pm _

**[Genji] reentered [tracer: too gay to function]**

**Genji:** AONFGOWRGJIORWGNRWK

**D.Va:** ???

**Genji:** I CAN’T FDUFCDKIGN BREAJKFJETOIHIHE

**McCree:** FUCKIGN HELL

**Tracer:** uhhhh u ok there mates?

**Zenyatta:** Someonye hacked into my system, so nyow I speak wike this.

**Tracer:** WHAT NOW

**Mercy:** _ It’s worse because he also talks like that outloud.  _

**Mercy:** _ The voice is so high pitched... _

**Lúcio:** OH MY GOD

**D.Va:** **_WH EE EZ IN GG_ **

**Zenyatta:** It’s a wathew unfowtunyate incident, but Genji and Jesse awe amused.

**Zenyatta:** Thewe is awways a bwight side to things.

**Pharah:** it’s good to know that he’s wise even though he’s talking in hellspeak.

**[Soldier:76] reentered [tracer: too gay to function.]**

**76:**

**76:** _What the fuck_

**76:** _ Why do always I come on to see this kind of shit _

**Zenyatta:** A wuvwy coincidence.

**76:** More like a goddamn nightmare

**76:** So who did this

**[Sombra] entered [tracer: too gay to function.]**

**[Sombra] wenyamed the chat [OwO WHAT’S THIS?]**

**Sombra:** H-Hewwo???

**76:** Awe you shitting me

**76:**

**[Soldier:76] disconnyected fwom [OwO WHAT’S THIS?]**

**Winston:** _ Fow fuck’s sake _

**Tracer:** h-hewwo thewe UwU

**Genji:** _Twacew that’s Sombwa_

**Twacew:** wet me have my fun genji (･`ω´･)

**Mewcy:** What fwesh heww is this?

**Phawah:** thanks, I hate it owo

**Wúcio:** HI IM DYING

**Weinhawdt:** HI I’M DYING

**Weinhawdt:** _ I’M WEINHAWDT _ OWO

**D.Va:** BWB PISSING MY FUCKING SEWF

**Sombwa:** WATEW, FUCKERS  >:3c

**[Sombwa] disconnected from [OwO WHAT’S THIS?]**

**McCree:** JESUS FUCKGIFNGG FCHRIST

**Mercy:** At least that’s over…

**Winston:** I’ll have Athena run diagnostics and figure out how she got in.

**D.Va:** I know that she’s  _ technically _ the enemy and all

**[Torbjörn] reentered [OwO WHAT’S THIS?]**

**Torbjörn:** No, she’s not coming back

**[Torbjörn] disconnected from [OwO WHAT’S THIS?]**

**D.Va:** HOW DOES HE KNOW???

**Pharah:** his dad senses were tingling

**Reinhardt:** HE WAS ALSO LOOKING AT MY PHONE WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME

**D.Va:** I like the dad senses thing better

**Zenyatta:**

**Zenyatta:** I stiww have that odd speech tuwnyed on.

**Winston:** Want me to turn that off for you?

**Zenyatta:** Tomowwow. Many of the othews awe entewtainyed by this.

**Winston:** If you insist...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm nyot even a wittwe bit sowwy.  
> Awso, I do have discowd fow my chatfics that you find find hewe: https://discord.gg/vRNyyHR


	5. a very happy new year

_6:27 pm_

**[D.Va] reentered [hoes for 2018.]**

**D.Va:** so Lùcio and I went to the store earlier and got a bunch of booze and snacks, so we’re gonna party tonight

 **Winston:** First of all, how were you not arrested?

 **Lùcio:** disguises

 **D.Va:** plus, I bribed the cashier

 **Winston:** Second of all, how did you even get there without Athena telling me?

 **D.Va:** I made a deal with a friend

 **Winston:** What friend?

**[Sombra] reentered [hoes for 2018.]**

**Winston:** _Are you shitting me._

 **Sombra:** h-hewwo? owo

 **Mercy:** **_P A R I S H_ **

**Mercy:** In all seriousness, Hana, what was the deal?

 **D.Va:** well

 **D.Va:** if Sombra here helped Lùcio and I with getting stuff for the party later

 **D.Va:** two Talon friends could come to our new years party

 **Winston:** _Why would you do this?_

 **McCree:** hon, you do realize that there’d be talon agents at our base, right?

 **D.Va:** not if we move it to that old safehouse we’ve got nearby

 **D.Va:** plus she already promised that there’d be no fighting

 **Mercy:** Hana, you know I usually trust your judgement

 **Mercy:** But you’re trusting her word because…?

 **Sombra:** because I’ll have them hacked the whole time

 **Genji:** can you even do that?

 **Sombra:** ye

 **Winston:** … Hana, are you absolutely sure about this?

 **D.Va:** yeah! it’ll be fun for everyone!!

**Winston:**

**Winston:** Fine. But I’m putting you and Soldier in charge of them.

 **D.Va:** ok!!

 **76:** Why am I supposed to watch them

 **Winston:** I’m not putting _one_ person in charge of _three_ Talon agents!

**76:**

**76:** Is this because I ate the rest of the peanut butter?

 **Winston:** That’s irrelevant.

* * *

_8:58 pm_

**Chat: [3 assholes in a trenchcoat.]**

**Members: [Sombra], [Widowmaker], and [Reaper.]**

**Sombra:** ok, so we’re all gonna be going to a super fun party

 **Sombra:** I told them you’d be hacked the whole time, which was total bullshit, but if you pull anything I’ll actually do it. got it?

**Widowmaker:**

**Widowmaker:** Fine.

 **Reaper:** _Why did we agree to this? It’s not even going to be at their base._

 **Sombra:** because Talon parties suck ass, and Overwatch parts are awesome

 **Sombra:** seriously, I watched their Christmas party go down, it was a fucking ride

 **Reaper:** _sigh_

 **Sombra:** come on, let’s go! we can just tell Akande we went to a bar!

* * *

_10:02 pm_

**Chat: [hoes for 2018.]**

**Members: [Winston], [D.Va], [Lùcio], [Reinhardt], and ten others.**

**[Sombra] added [Reaper] and [Widowmaker] to the chat.**

**[Reaper] entered [hoes for 2018.]**

**[Widowmaker] entered [hoes for 2018.]**

**D.Va:** is that everyone you’re bringing?

 **Sombra:** yup!

 **D.Va:** nice!

 **Winston:** Are you sure they should be in an Overwatch server?

 **Sombra:** _please_ , it’s not like you talk about anything super important in here!

 **Reaper:** _Why were we put in here?_

 **Sombra:** shits and giggles

 **Sombra:** giggles and shits

 **Sombra:** anyway, we’re on our way, so get ready to party!

* * *

_9:27 am_

**Chat: [3 assholes in a trenchcoat.]**

**Members: [Sombra], [Widowmaker], and [Reaper.]**

**Sombra:** that was fun!

 **Sombra:** I got Pharah’s number, Amé made friends with Tracer’s gf, and Gabe got a makeout session!

 **Reaper:** **_Sombra shut the fuck up that didn’t happen_ **

**Sombra:** Gabe we found you in the closet making out with Soldier:76

 **Reaper:** **_That_ **

**Reaper:** **_Never_ **

**Reaper:** **_Happened_ **

**Sombra:** I can literally go through the logs and find where it shows your drunk ass doing exactly that

 **Reaper:** **_Don’t you fucking dare_**

 **Widowmaker:** No need.

 **Widowmaker:** attached img: gabrielthethot.png

 **Reaper:** AMÉLIE LACROIX

 **Widowmaker:** Non, I am Widowmaker

 **Sombra:** **_wHEEEZE THE FUCKING TITLE_ **

**Sombra:** AND YOU MADE HIM TYPE WITHOUT THE EDGE

 **Sombra:** totally saving that btw

 **Reaper:** **_No_ **

**Sombra:** too late!

**[Reaper] disconnected from [3 assholes in a trenchcoat.]**

**Sombra:** at least we know who Soldier is lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, and happy belated new year! I wanted to add some of the Talon friends in here for fun, so here we are!  
> sorry I couldn't show the actual party! I might write an extra showing it, but I'm not 100% sure
> 
> btw, I've got a discord for my chatfics here: https://discord.gg/vRNyyHR


	6. the boys are back in town... and so is my wife

_ 11:42 am _

**D.Va:** @Hanzo @Genji I swear to fuck if your dragons keep taking my chips I will fight all three of them with my bare hands

**Genji:** do you take constructive criticism?

**D.Va:** no

**Genji:** understandable, have a nice day

**[Hanzo Shimada] entered [WHY WEREN’T YOU AT GAY PRACTICE.]**

**Hanzo:** I will get you new chips next time I order our supplies. What flavor were they?

**D.Va:** shrimp

**Tracer:** ooooh can you get me pickle flavored??

**Hanzo:**

**Hanzo:** I legitimately can’t tell if you’re joking about this or not.

**Tracer:** nope. i like them!!!!

**McCree:** i heard pickle flavored chips

**Genji:** you’re kidding…

**McCree:** nah

**McCree:** at first they sucked, but i kept eating them and they grew on me

**Hanzo:** Why would you keep eating them if you don’t like them?

**McCree:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**[Winston] reentered [WHY WEREN’T YOU AT GAY PRACTICE.]**

**Winston:** Sorry to interrupt, but our new teammates are coming today, and I wanted to add them to the channel.

**Lúcio:** theyre the junker guys and that Vishkar lady, right?

**Winston:** Yes.

**D.Va:** nice

**Mercy:** I’m still not sure about this, they’re dangerous…

**McCree:** ya know i’m not one to question your judgement winston, but she’s right

**D.Va:** we’re pretty dangerous, too. plus we kinda have some of Talon in here, soooo ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Sombra:** lmao tru

**Mercy:** Fair.

**Winston:** @Lúcio Are you still okay with this?

**Lúcio:**

**Lúcio:** ill get over it

**[Winston] added [Roadhog], [Junkrat], and [Satya Vaswani]  to the chat.**

**[Junkrat] entered [WHY WEREN’T YOU AT GAY PRACTICE.]**

**Junkrat:**

**Junkrat:** OI WHERES GAY PRACTICE AT??

**D.Va:** 24/7

**Junkrat:** ARE PAN PALS WELCOME

**McCree:** always

**Junkrat:** NICE

**[Roadhog] entered [WHY WEREN’T YOU AT GAY PRACTICE.]**

**[Roadhog] disconnected from [WHY WEREN’T YOU AT GAY PRACTICE.]**

**D.Va:** awwww man, I wanted to talk him :/

**Junkrat:** HES NOT A BIG FAN OF THESE SO HE WONT TALK A LOT IN HERE, BUT YE CAN TALK TO HIM WHEN WE GET THERE

**Junkrat:** I THINK THE LADY WITH US MIGHT JOIN LATER TOO, BUT SHES SLEEPIGN NOW

**Junkrat:** ACTUALLY  @Hanzo I JUST SCROLLED UP, AND SINCE YER ORDERING STUFF HOG WANTS TO KNOW IF YE CAN GET YA HANDS ON SOME KIND OF COFFEE

**Hanzo:** Do you know the brand? Otherwise he can tell me himself through a personal message.

**Junkrat:** OK

**Hanzo:** If anyone else has something, they can come to me or ask me through a personal message as well.

**D.Va:** (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

* * *

 

_ 2:15 pm _

**[Satya Vaswani] entered [WHY WEREN’T YOU AT GAY PRACTICE.]**

**[Satya Vaswani] changed their name to [Symmetra.]**

**Symmetra:** … Am I in the right place?

**Winston:** Yes. I know it’s a little… Ridiculous, but I feel that it would be best to at least have everyone included in the chat in case of an emergency. You are not required to talk here, and you can have notifications for this turned off. Just be sure to check in once in a while, especially when some of us are on missions.

**Symmetra:** I understand.

**[Mei] reentered [WHY WEREN’T YOU AT GAY PRACTICE.]**

**Mei:** oh, welcome!

**D.Va:** hey there!

**Symmetra:** Hello.

**Zenyatta:** I also welcome you. I hope you have a pleasant time here.

**Symmetra:** Thank you.

**Pharah:** hello! when will you be getting here?

**[Tracer] reentered [WHY WEREN’T YOU AT GAY PRACTICE.]**

**Tracer:** we should be there in less than an hour!!!!

**McCree:** gdi lena get off your phone you are  _ driving a plane _

**Tracer:** chiiiiiilllllllllllllll it’s on autopilot.

**McCree:** _ Lena _

**Tracer:** leave me alone, i had to pee!

**Emily:** that’s fine babe, just please get back to work!

**Tracer:** ok! be back soon!

**[Tracer] disconnected from [WHY WEREN’T YOU AT GAY PRACTICE.]**

**Symmetra:** … Well then.

**Emily:** sorry about that! 

**Symmetra:** No, it’s alright. At least I know we are close.

**Emily:** ok!!

**Genji:**

**Genji:** I like how nobody talks about the fact that Soldier 76 is actually some dead guy

**76:** Not now

**Genji:** understandable, have a nice day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aofoiefmewkfdlmaw hey there nyall, hope this was an ok chapter! also, I love pickle chips... idk if they even have them where they are, I just projected onto Tracer bc I could lmao
> 
> btw I've got a discord for this you can find here!: https://discord.gg/vRNyyHR


	7. what the fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaa this chapter is slightly nsfw,,,  
> it's not TOO bad, but just to err on the safe side I'm warning yall now

_ 3:42 am _

**Chat: [Unnamed Chat.]**

**[Genji] added [Jesse McCree], [Hana Song], [Hanzo Shimada], and eight others.**

**[Genji] renamed the chat [burning questions.]**

**Genji:** I have a question to ask

**Jesse:** oh no

**Hanzo:** Genji

**Hanzo:** It is almost four in the morning

**Hanzo:** Whatever question you have had better be important

**Genji:** is Junkrat a twink?

**[Hanzo Shimada] has left the chat.**

**Hana:** he couldn’t handle the question

**Hana:** anyway, he’s a twunk

**Lena:** hes sorta in the middle?? like he looks like a twunk but he acts like a twink.

**[Moira O'Deorain] entered [burning questions.]**

**Moira:** I’d say he’s a twink. He looks malnourished.

**Fareeha:** I like how you invite Talon’s doctor but not your own doctor girlfriend

**Genji:** Angela’s sleeping for once, I’m not ruining that

**Fareeha:** understandable, have a nice day.

**Fareeha:** anyway, he seems like a twunk to me.

**Satya:** I think he’s hideous.

**Jesse:** kinda like a drowned rat

**Satya:** We can all… “Roast” him together.

**Hana:** actually, the middle seems likely. he’s like, super fucking tall, but he’s super fucking malnourished (which sucks, rat boi needs to be health)

**Lena:** hes got a huge personality but he also looks like he could beg and call someone daddy

**McCree: i don’t want this**

**Hana:** why are you booing us, we’re right?

**Satya:** You are automatically wrong for saying this about  **_Junkrat_ ** .

**Lena:** _ its the truth satya _

**Satya:** He’s the most ugly and disgusting person here!

**Sombra:** so you’re saying ugly people don’t deserve love?

**Widowmaker:** I think she’s saying that ugly people shouldn’t call other people… “Daddy.”

**Sombra:** wow rude

**Sombra:** not everyone can have traditionally pretty children

**Sombra:** some people’s baby boys are not cute

**Hana:** he’s beautiful in his own way leave him be

**Widowmaker:** That abomination is not beautiful.

**Lena:** UglyBoysCanBegForDaddy2k78

**Lùcio:** what has this turned into…?

**Genji:** ok, real talk tho

**Genji:** is it RoadDaddy or Daddyhog?

**Satya:** _ No. _

**Lena:** hmmm…

**McCree:** _ i’m wheezing _

**Hana:** DaddyHog has a better ring to it.

**Lùcio:** wait are we suggesting that roadhog and junkrat…?

**Hana:** yep

**Lùcio:** ok then

**Satya:** Roadhog is also ugly.

**Lena:** daddyhog has a nice ring to it tho

**Lena:** LetUglyBoysBeDaddy2k78

**Widowmaker:** Fuck your movement.

**Moira:** Leave the junkers be, Amélie.

**Pharah:** ok, but wait

**Pharah:** Junkrat talks a lot about having some kind of treasure

**Pharah:** I take that statement with a grain of salt, but if that’s the case

**Pharah:** **_is he the sugar daddy in this relationship???_ **

**Pharah:** I mean, isn’t Roadhog the hired muscle?

**Widowmaker:** What he is is dead to me.

**Lena:** hes a service top

**Genji:** **_they’re both daddy_ **

**Satya:** This entire conversation is dead to me.

**[Satya Vaswani] has left.**

**[Widowmaker] has left.**

**Sombra:** I like how all three of the Judgement Group left

**Moira:** You say this like they made an entire group specifically for judging everyone.

**McCree:** you say that like they haven’t

**Moira:** Valid point, cowboy.

* * *

 

_ 4:02 am _

**Chat: [Why are they like this?]**

**Members: [Hanzo], [Widowmaker], and [Symmetra.]**

**Hanzo:** I saw they kept you two up, as well.

**Hanzo:** I apologize for my brother. He used to wake me up with ridiculous questions often, and I thought he left that behind.

**Symmetra:** I’ve been working anyway. I suppose it just means I should be going to sleep.

**Widowmaker:** I am on a mission. Speaking of which, I must go.

**[Widowmaker] disconnected from [Why are they like this?]**

**Hanzo:** I will try to go to sleep. Goodnight.

**Symmetra:** Goodnight.

* * *

 

_ 7:42 am _

**Chat: [burning questions.]**

**[Soldier 76] entered [burning questions.]**

**76:**

**76:** What the  _ fuck _

**[Reaper] entered [burning questions.]**

**Reaper:**

**[Reaper] has left.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> efoanweif this was inspired by an actual conversation I had with Discord friends  
> it's practically copied and pasted, but with some edits lmao
> 
> also, I have a discord you can find here!: https://discord.gg/vRNyyHR  
> and if you're not big on discord, I've got a blog you can ask me stuff on here: https://portallesbian.tumblr.com


	8. this is awful

_ 1:02 pm _

**[Genji] reentered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Genji:** hey guys where’s Hanzo?

**Genij:** I wanna tell him this funny story. he’s gonna hate it lmao

**D.Va:** it turns out that the coffee that Roadie asked for could be bought in town, so they went together.

**Junkrat:** WHAT

**Junkrat:** AND HE DIDNT BRING ME?????

**Junkrat:** BLOCKED AND REPORTED

**[Roadhog] reentered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Roadhog:** I’m bringing something back for you.

**[Roadhog] disconnected from [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Junkrat:** DID I SAY BLOCKED AND REPORTED ? I MEANT LOVED AND APPRECIATED

**Tracer:** mood

**Tracer:** also,,,

**Tracer:** GAZELLE IS SHAKIRAS FURSONA PASS IT ON

**Genji:** _ oh my god you’re right _

**Genji:** _ I’ve been a fool _

**McCree:** i’m kinkshaming.

**Winston:** _ Sighs. _

**McCree:** back in my day we kinkshamed people up the hill and back for 2 miles in the snow

**McCree: don’t think i won’t do it now**

**D.Va:** maybe the real kink was the friends we kinkshamed along the way

**Tracer:** kinkshaming is my   _ k i n k _

**[Winston] disconnected from [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Moira: Blocked, all of you are blocked. None of you are free of sin.**

**Tracer:** lmao good ol moira

**Tracer:** oh speaking of kink, wanna hear the rhyme i made about mister fister?

**Genji:** whomst

**Widowmaker:** ... Doomfist?

**Tracer:** ^

**D.Va:** OMFG  _ THIS _

**Sombra:** oh I gotta hear this lmao

**Reaper:** _ Please no. _

**Tracer:** well now ive gotta, all of the talon agents in the chat are here

**76:** _ Lena no _

**Tracer:**

**Tracer:** _ mister fister _

**Tracer:** _ fist me a mist _

**[Moira] added [Akande Ogundimu] to the chat.**

**Genji:** MOIRA WHY

**Reaper:** _ He took the phone from her because she was laughing too hard. _

**[Akande Ogundimu] changed their name to [Doomfist.]**

**Doomfist:**

**Doomfist:** What the hell is this?

**D.Va:** h-hewwo? Mistew Fistew?

**Doomfist:**

**[Doomfist] disconnected from [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Pharah:** _ Hana you know damn well who you just said that to _

**D.Va:** worth it

**Lùcio:** **_are you sure about that?_ **

**D.Va:** _h e l l  y e s_

**Genji:** you’re a bold ass motherfucker, you know that?

**D.Va:** sometimes you just have to take these opportunities when they’re presented to you

**Sombra:** that was fucking legendary, I’m yelling

**Reaper:** _ He looks so dead inside. _

**Moira:** attached img: thefaceofabrokenman.png

**D.Va:** I feel so proud of myself.

**Junkrat:** THAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER

**76:** _ Hana Song, never do that again. _

**D.Va:** _ I’m gonna do it again _

**76:** **_No!_ **

* * *

 

_ 4:05 pm _

**[Hanzo] reentered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**[Roadhog] reentered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Hanzo:** ... That’s concerning.

**Roadhog:** what the fuck.

**Symmetra:** Out of all the ridiculous shenanigans in this chat, this has to be the  _ worst _ thing to happen so far.

**Widowmaker:** Doomfist is doing better, but he won’t come back into the chat. 

**Hanzo:** Understandable.

**Roadhog:** where is Junkrat?

**Symmetra:** In the workshop with Torbjörn and I. Please come get him, I can’t focus on my work.

**Roadhog:** on my way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so cursed and I had such a good time with it! inspired by my gfs and my discord pals!
> 
> btw here's the discord for this chatfic: https://discord.gg/vRNyyHR


	9. BRIGITTE!!!

_ 7:42 pm _

**[Brigitte Lindholm] entered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Brigitte:**

**Brigitte:** oh my god why did I not come here before?

**D.Va:** BRIGITTE! HI!!!!

**Brigitte:** lmao Hana, you just saw me at dinner

**D.Va:** I’m still excited to see you in here!!

**D.Va:** there’s fuckery to be created!

**Brigitte:** oh my god you’re right

**Brigitte:** first though, wanna watch the Bee Movie?

**D.Va:** _ yes please _

**Brigitte:** nice!! I’ll get set up!

**[Brigitte Lindholm] disconnected from [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**[D.Va] went idle.**

* * *

 

_ 10:52 pm _

**[D.Va] reentered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**D.Va:** Lúcio is teasing me in my dms, so I’m just gonna call myself out.

**D.Va:** BRIGITTE IS SUPER PRETTY AND WHILE I WOULD GLADLY LET HER KICK MY ASS, I KNOW SHE’D JUST HOLD ME IN HER BIG STRONG ARMS

**D.Va:** WHICH BTW SHE IS DOING WITH A CUTE DOLL RN. I THINK IT’S A CHARACTER FROM AN ANIME? IDK HE HAS BIG SHARP CHOMPERS AND SPIKY HAIR, I LOVE HIM

**Genji:** the gayest power move I have ever seen.

**McCree:** won’t she be able to read this later though??

**D.Va:** she fell asleep in the middle of Sharknado 

**D.Va:** she’s super cute when she’s sleeping btw????

**Junkrat:** HAH GAY

**D.Va:** DAMN RIGHT, JAMIE BOI

**Widowmaker:** What is happening.

**Moira:** A fellow lesbian screaming.

**Tracer:** as another lesbian, i’m confirming that this is exactly what’s happening rn

**DV.a:** lesbian solidarity (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

**Lúcio:** wrow, hana

**D.Va:** I already called my gay ass out, Lú!

**D.Va:** _ whatchu gonna do? _

**Lúcio:**

**Lúcio:** @Torbjörn @Reinhardt

**D.Va:** _YOU MOTHERFUCKER_

**[Torbjörn Lindholm] reentered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**[Reinhardt Wilhelm] reentered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Torbjörn:**

**Reinhardt:**

**Reinhardt:** THIS WAS VERY SWEET!

**Torbjörn:**

**Torbjörn:** Treat her right.

**[Torbjörn Lindholm] disconnected from [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Lúcio:** _ wrow _

**Tracer:** did

**Tracer:** did he just give you his fucking blessing

**D.Va:**

**D.Va:** if I did not have a sleeping beauty right next to me I would be screaming

**Reaper:** _ Just scream into the abyss. _

**Reinhardt:** IN OTHER WORDS, DO IT OUTSIDE

**[D.Va] went idle.**

**McCree:** oh god she’s actually doing it

**[Hanzo Shimada] reentered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Hanzo:** Why did Hana just go outside and scream? It’s late.

**McCree:** gay panic

**Hanzo:** ... What?

**Junkrat:** SCROLL UP MATE

**Hanzo:**

**Hanzo:** I see...

**Reinhardt:** IT’S STILL VERY SWEET!!!

**Tracer:** hell yea it is

* * *

 

_ 12:02 am _

**Chat: [Two Very Tired Assholes.]**

**[Roadhog] added [Hanzo Shimada] to the chat.**

**[Hanzo] entered [Two Very Tired Assholes.]**

**Hanzo:** I thought you didn't like group chats?

**Roadhog:** I don’t like big ones.

**Roadhog:** I have one for me and Rat. We talk, so I made one for us.

**Hanzo:** Fair enough. Would you like some tea?

**Roadhog:** Yeah.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Projecting my gay onto D.VA and accidentally putting a new ship up? More likely than you think.  
> Lmao, anyway, thanks for reading! Also, yes, referencing Kirishima from BNHA was 1000% necessary.
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/vRNyyHR  
>  Blog: https://portallesbian.tumblr.com 


	10. whoops i finally added orisa and efi

_ 3:02 pm _

**[Lúcio] reentered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**[Lúcio] added [Orisa].**

**D.Va:** oh, worm!!!

**[Orisa] entered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Orisa:** Hello!

**Orisa:** Lúcio told me about this chat and I requested to join!

**Winston:** Oh, welcome! Sorry about the... Messes.

**Genji:** oh shit whaddup!

**Tracer:** hiiiiii!!!

**D.Va:** omg hi, I’ve heard so much about you!!!

**Orisa:** And I’ve heard much about you! Efi’s a fan of yours!

**D.Va:** omg can I talk to her pleaaaaaaaassssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee????

**Lúcio:** yeye give us a sec!!

**[Lúcio] added [Efi Oladele].**

**[Efi Oladele] entered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Efi:** h-hewwo????

**D.Va:** O SHIT WHADDUP!!!!!!!

**76:** Hana that’s an 11 year old.

**Efi:** it’s okay!! swearing’s okay, just don’t let convos get too gross!!!

**D.Va:** hella!!!

**Efi:** also, D.Va omg hi!!!! I love your streams!!!

**D.Va:** and I love the things you do!! like with Orisa, she’s so cool omggggg

**D.Va:** I bet she could kick mistew fistew’s ass any day!!!!

**Tracer:** wait omg hana no-

**Efi:** oaijoiewfdnsjk oh my god mistew fistew I love it!!!

**D.Va:** I called him that to his face  >:3c

**Lúcio:** not directly, but you would ofwoasndkakd

**Efi:** I love you so much omgggg

**D.Va:** aaaa I love you, too! you’re cool as fucc!!!

**Efi:** Orisa can you call Doomfist that from now on??

**Orisa:** Of course!!

**Efi:** yay!!

* * *

 

_ 3:30 pm _

**Chat: [The Responsible Adults.]**

**Members: [Winston], [Symmetra], and 10 others**

**[Torbjörn] reentered [The Responsible Adults.]**

**Torbjörn:** I’m glad we’re letting such a bright young mind aboard, but... Should we have her in a place like that chat?

**Symmetra:** So far the only unfortunate topics were from the Junkrat incident.

**Moira:** To be fair that was an interesting time.

**Roadhog:** the what

**Widowmaker:** You don’t want to know. I didn’t even want to know but I was there for it anyway.

**Hanzo:** The point, I think is that while the main chat is swarmed by absolute heathens, so far they’ve done a decent job not talking about topics unsuited for a child. 

**Hanzo:** If nothing else, we can just make a separate chat for adult topics. 

**Winston:** ... I’ll consider it. Though, if it is made, I think I’d rather have one of you make it than me. I don’t want to have anything to do with that.

**Mercy:** That’s fair.

* * *

 

_ 8:42 pm _

**Chat: [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Members: [Winston], [Tracer], and 24 others.**

**[Genji] added [Doomfist.]**

**Genji:** @everyone so apparently the guy in this vine is a mannequin and idk how to feel about that  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aF1qQxPhybE ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aF1qQxPhybE)

**Tracer:** im sorry  _ wot _

**McCree:** i....

**Efi:** SCREAMS

**Efi:** I’VE SEEN THIS SO MANY TIMES  _ HOW DID I NOT NOTICE _

**D.Va:** SAME OMG

**[Doomfist] entered [I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT TELEPORT PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 DAYS.]**

**Mercy:** Genji I love you but  _ why would you add Doomfist and @ everyone for this? _

**Genji:** it’s important

**Doomfist:** ... Why are you all like this. Also, hello, Miss Oladele.

**Orisa:** hello, Mistew Fistew. 凸(｀0´)凸

**D.Va:** ORISA HOLY FUCK

**Tracer:** BRB IM JUST GONNA GO SCREAM

**Sombra:** SAME OH MY FUCKING GOD

**Lúcio:** ORISA IM SOBBING

**[Genji] renamed the chat [Orisa: The Meme, The Myth, The Legend.]**

**[Doomfist] disconnected from [Orisa: The Meme, The Myth, The Legend.]**

**Orisa:** Oh, worm! Did I say that right?

**Pharah:** yes, you did aoioedfekwdl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I just,,,, fuckin,,,, when I found out about the truth about this vine I screamed. also sorry for being late, I've been kinda,, blegh recently. plus I've been getting all caught up in this one thing, but I'm glad I could get this out for nyall!! I swear I'll get Zarya and Ana in here soon!!!!!!
> 
> Here's my discord: https://discord.gg/vRNyyHR  
> And here's my blog: https://portallesbian.tumblr.com


End file.
